Ever had one of those moments where you were experiencing a nightmare and suddenly you realize that you are; since none of the shit you were experiencing seemed remotely possible, but when you shut your virtual eyes and try to will yourself awake and back to reality; nothing happens, then you think to yourself “oh great, now I have to sit through this crap”? Now, how about if what you were seeing and feeling was entirely quite possible, but still sucked and you keep trying to will yourself back to reality, unsure if it was going to work but praying to god that it would?
That’s me; at the moment, in the moment, behind the moment. So sickly contemplating the possibility of what was rolled out onto my desk, a bacon bat the size of a 4D Mag-lite®. First reaction was panic, but eventually thoughts drifted towards < lucky I don’t wear underpants to bed> which was odd; it’s not completely like me to make light of a dire situation.
I had to see my father, I absolutely had to see him and about this “embiggening” that was wreaking it’s havoc on me. I walked over to the closet to get dressed; as I reached for some underpants, a voice shrieked in my head screaming < no UNDERPANTS> and autonomously, I obeyed. As I reached for a pair of jeans, the voice returned to me and yelled < loose PANTS> and autonomously, I obeyed; reaching instead for the baggiest pair in sight.
After getting dressed, I began to head downstairs; brushing my meat-lance as I awkwardly descended them, then the voice again; < walk sideways> and autonomously, I obeyed and the walking became so much more comfortable; no longer destroying my shame with friction.
I walked past the kitchen, but before I could reach the shoe rack by the front door, the voice sprang up; < crush garlic> and autonomously, I went into the kitchen and saw a clove of garlic on a chopping board, I pulled out my mushroom stand and smashed the garlic with a mighty hammer blow, looking down at my garlic smeared snakey stick; I began to fear the worst about where my mind was headed,
“Son? You up?”
Mother! She can’t see this!
< run>
I obeyed the voice; this time of my own free will. It had chosen what seemed to be the best course of action to get me out of the mess it had gotten me in to. What a merciful bastard; whatever it was.
The hospital was the same as last I saw, the same reception staff, the same slidey floors and the same insane nurse; making my father’s life hell. My father saw me as I walked in, he also saw the paper lunch bag I picked up on the way over;
“Hey boy, you got some bacon in there? I have a hankering for some pork.”
Déjà vu
“WE ARE NOT GOING TO PORK.”
More déjà vu
A wry grin busted out over my face uncongenially, the voice… It said < wangslap> and autonomously I dropped my pants and gave my father a lashing with my manly musket. My father and I looked at each other in stern disbelief; the nurse walked into the room and spying me with my wang out and my father with a bruise on his cheek, immediately walked out again, but our gazes didn’t shift. I opened my mouth as if to speak;
“So father, tell me…”
