See, I promised it would be done. And you know what? I’M STILL NOT FINISHED. I’m gonna spend some extra time on the next installment; I won’t quit until it is truly epic. And if you end up not liking it, that means you’re a nazi. Please, think of the Jews.
The last thing I remembered saying was “tell me”, my mind drew a blank right then and I was agape standing by a stack of bedpans with my endangered sperm whale beached between my legs.
If there was ever a time when I needed a really funny joke to tell, it was now. The entire world was dilated in those few moments over which it finally hit me; I had just wangslapped my own father. And when I say the world became dilated, i’m not kidding; I heard some scummy bastard in the drama class across town say “now is the winter of our discontent”, I could hear the nurse in the hospital parking lot talking about “that broken wang idiot”, I could smell the swamp near the edge of- oh wait, dad farted.
Along with breaking the smell barrier, he was first to break the silence;
“So tell me, why does your wang smell like garlic?”
“Well you see; I picked up this vampire hooker on the way over and we- IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! Something is happening, this ‘embiggening’, what else does it do? Aside from inflating my blimp.”
“Well, it didn’t do much else to me when I went through it, but I know of some things that happened to others, for instance; your grandfather grew a horn lodged up his butt.”
“Well, fucking tell me already.”
“Well sure, but first I want hear about this vampire hooker you were talking about.”
At this I wangslapped him again- this time on purpose.
“Well fine then.” My father said, rubbing his cheek.
“I have impulses. Just like that, except involuntary. So please stop being a cockbagging jerkwad and tell me why I’m hearing voices telling me to wear loose pants and crush garlic.”
“Holy merciful crap… You’re kidding…”
“What?”
“Your granddad is the catalyst to your embiggening.”
“What?”
“Your wang is possessed.”
“WHAT?!?”
“Your grandfather, my father, he used to cook for us when he and your grandma, my mother, were still alive. He cooked with garlic and said it was so because he liked to crush it.”
“Ok, so my granddad has haunted my wang… That’s insane… Fuck you.”
“Well, what in the hell am I supposed to say to explain you crushing garlic with your beef log? Can’t you consider that there is remotely a chance that what I’m saying is true? And besides…”
He looked towards my crotch.
“… WHAT’S UP OLD DEAD DAD? HOW’S YOUR NEW HOME? I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE INTO TEENAGE COCK!”
< Wangslap>
The voice again; and before I knew it, my bat hit a foul.
“I see….”
< NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!>